to choose....or not to choose

choice. the freedom of choice. have you ever thought about how many choices we make? I can get overwhelmed- this color or that, this dress or that skirt? in some ways it seems ridiculous, but actually its part of the backbone of our American society. choices should remind us that we have control- how much more meaningful is it to be able to choose this over that instead of someone higher up telling you that you want this over that? I mean, sometimes I find myself rebelling against that....ha. In this country we have the freedom to choose- to smoke if I so wish (I don't), to practice a faith or not, to go to school or not. We choose. And in choosing or choosing not to choose (its still choice!) we reveal what we believe in.

I think our choices are more important than we realize. In a culture that is founded upon the very essence of choice, it is so commonplace, so normal, that we don't even think about it anymore. Its become a subconscious decision we no longer know that we are making most of the time. Of course I want the blue shirt- the peach matches my skin tone too much. Of course I will go to church- I believe in God. Of course I'm going to school, I need a plan for my future. When we are faced with challenges to those decision, "I don't know how completing my BA is going to help me longterm" then we have to stop and really consider the choices we make. Reevaluate. and then the choice can become more meaningful and powerful.

I have been convicted of this lately. So I decided to start small; babysteps. I want to be aware of my choices, and make sure they are sowing into things I really believe in, like small businesses, organic/local foods, handmade, ect.

I choose to buy things that support:

Small businesses
          I want to buy from the local bookstore, rather than online.
          I want to support the local coffeeshops rather than a chain like Starbucks.
          I want to support the local farmer's market
          I would rather buy from a handmade website like Etsy than a chain store.
Organic/Local foods: (this one is more difficult because I still live at home and therefore never have to grocery shop, but you get the idea)
           I want to buy fairtrade/organic as much as possible.
Recycle:
            I want to recycle more. We are called to be stewards of the Earth. Our culture is a culture of waste an excess. Think about it. Choose to stand against the flow.


Those are just a few that I came up while writing this. Ideas and suggestions are more than welcome! What do you make a conscious decision about? Why?

**The desire to be more conscious of my decisions and what I am sowing into stem from a personal conviction from my relationship with Jesus Christ. I believe these things are important, and too often get overlooked, especially by Christians. If I believe that my life is no longer my own because I have been bought by a price, then these things are no longer my own. Therefore I want to strive to make decisions that reflect that.

a little about Regret

ok so you know that one word that people like to throw around? Regret. It seems like nobody likes it, but somehow, saying you regret something somehow makes you sound pious. or is that just me? ok thats totally just me. 

in that case, let me rephrase....I want to discuss regret. (see what I did there?) ok first, lets define the word.

REGRET:

verb (used with object)

1.

to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment,etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it.

2.

to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth.

noun

3.

a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

4.

a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss,disappointment, etc.

(According to Dictionary.com)

The problem with regret is its tendency to mire us in the past. If I say I regret a decision, then it implies, that given the chance to turn back time, I would go back and change it. But is that always the best? Too often we try to hold our past selves to the same standard that we hold our present self. That doesn't ever end well I don't think. For example, I personally made several decisions last year that were, looking back, perhaps not the smartest- but I am judging that based on hindsight. What do they say- hindsight is 20/20? Its true. And we have a tendency, a very strong tendency I might add- to try to hold our past selves accountable to what we now, in the present know.

You can't do that. let me repeat: YOU CAN'T LET YOURSELF DO THAT.

Why? Because your past self was younger, less experienced, and less mature than your present self. In that moment, I thought that the decision I was making was what I really truly wanted. I can't hold my past self to the same standard I now hold myself, because, back then, I didn't really know better. I don't mean that as an excuse, I mean it literally. I could not have know then what I know now. and I can't judge my actions based on that. 

Also, we need to define "best". I stated above that I made decisions that were not perhaps the smartest. Note I didn't say "not the best for me". That was purposeful. In fact, I wrote that sentence a few times, trying to figure out exactly what I did mean. I believe that my decisions ended up being good for me- because I allow myself to look back, see what worked and what didn't and why, and apply that knowledge now. 

I don't regret them. "What?" you cry. "You don't regret bad decisions?! What kind of horrible terrible person are you!" Ok calm down and here me out. I don't like to say I regret them because that implies I would change them if I could. I wouldn't. They weren't earth-ending decisions, and I can live with them. I refuse to say I regret them first, because at that moment I really truly believed that's what I wanted, and second, and perhaps more importantly, I realize that who I am Now, is in large part due to hindsight. Failures are good. Its how we respond to them that is the key factor. If we made the "right" choices all the time, I don't think we would, or could grow very much. Failures allow us to look back on something that didn't work and figure out why it didn't work, and what to change next time. The choices I've made, yes, at some point caused pain- a lot of it- but I know so much more now than I did then. I do not say that lightly, and I'm not being insensitive- gold has to go through a refining process before its most valuable. That's painful, (or would be if gold had feelings) but its not as valuable with all the impurities.

One of my favorite quotes is from Helen Keller- "we can't learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world". I usually apply that to difficulties I encounter- not difficulties I cause. But the same holds true. I have to trust myself that this decision I am making now, is what I want and what I think is best, based on the knowledge I have on a hand. and if it turns out that it perhaps isn't what I thought it was going to be, I have to give myself grace. Its hard to give yourself grace. We feel like we ought to have known better, been more aware, whatever. But we're still trying to hold ourselves to our present standard- which is far beyond what we were capable of then.

We are constantly growing, maturing, and evolving into the person we are meant to be. I guess what I am trying to say is that we all make mistakes. We all mess up. Learn from it and move on. Don't spend your precious time wishing you could change something, say something different, whatever. Recognize that in that moment, that is the decision you made- to speak or not to speak, to act or not to act- realize what you would change now, and why, and move on. Tell yourself you were immature, that you've grown up a little more, and let it go. It never behooves anyone to live in the past. 

kids these days

I would like the preface this by saying that age has never been much of a concern for me. I am the second oldest of six children and always related better to kids older than me or adults. That being said, for some weird reason, when with my peers, I always used to assume I was the youngest. No idea why. Overall however, I have never been one to think about how old I was. At least not until this past year.

This past year it finally hit me with full force, that as a fifth year senior who had also taken a year off right out of high-school I was six years older than incoming freshmen and two years older than most seniors, putting me at grad school age, even though I'm not in grad school. No wonder they look so young.

I also realized that this year I will be 25. A quarter of a century.

I am older than those kids playing in March Madness. When did they recruit so young?!

I am the oldest undergrad in all my classes.

A couple of weeks ago I used "kids these days" sincerely without realizing it. Before its always been slightly sarcastic because I was including myself in that group. No more.

Also, I can't keep up with technology. Does that make me officially too old to be cool?

I write this more as tongue-in-cheek ponderings. I'm not really concerned with growing older, just the occasional epiphanies that hit me out of the blue. In many ways I'm definitely still growing up, and in many ways I hope to never truly "grow up". Its a delicate balance I'm seeking to find.

I wanted to find a good way to segue the end of this post into "kids these days" and I ran out of creative juices. so yeah, kids these days.

52// weeks 4 & 5

Playing catch up as usual...its all good.

Week 4// I started rooting celery. its all the rage.

   

 Week 5// I made a delicious new kind of bread. try it. its super easy. not to mention it looks artisan 

 

52//Week #3

So I started a book. which by itself does not count as something "new", but this was a book I hadn't read before. Ok so that's not too new either. what if I told you I started a book because I joined a book club. ok now we're getting somewhere. I've never been in a book club before. At least I'm pretty sure I haven't. it happened like this. so a few weeks ago, my brother Ben, who attends DSU, came to MSU with the DSU RUF group. (enough acronyms for you?). I met him at RUF along with my sister, and another brother (I have 4 total- brothers that is). This marks the second time in about four years since I've visited RUF- but that's another story. Actually this really isn't a story either, but hey lets go with it. in the announcements section of the bulletin, "BOOK CLUB" was advertised. that caught my attention immediately- I mean "BOOK" and "CLUB"? I'm interested! The book to be read was "Slaughterhouse 5"- even better since I knew this to be considered one of the top American novels, and one I had not read (in fact, I've read very little American lit- so much for patriotism). There was one snag. There was some random guys name - the one presumably who was initiating the club- but no contact information. I mean ZERO. that right there would be enough to turn me off. wow that sounded bad. disinterest me? yeah whatever. I asked my brother if he knew the dude, he didn't. however he does know the director of RUF- I supposed that would be a place to start. I mulled it over all night and finally asked my brother to text the director for this guy's information. After a couple of days I received it, and texted the number- "hey this is a random girl who saw the book club at RUF and wanted to join. hope you don't mind" ok that's not what I said- it was in-between the lines. to make a long story short, despite my best efforts to talk myself out of it, I went to the first meeting. Slightly awkward- READ: really awkward- but I made it through. No one had read Slaughterhouse 5, so we agreed to read it in two weeks and come back to discuss. I read it in a few days. I need to learn to pace myself. First I want to say that while I am glad I read the book (it's completely different from anything I usually read) I would never recommend the book. Vonnegut was a master of satire and dark humor. He also liked science fiction, and was in Germany during the bombing of Dresden at the end of WWII. mix all that together and you get this book. the book is weird and disjointed enough that it is difficult to summarize (if you want a summary, wiki has a decent one here). overall the book is quite bleak. the protagonist, Billy Pilgrim can time travel- but only through his own life, and it is not something he can control. Because of this he knows when and how he is going to die, he knows about the bombing of Dresden, ect. the thing I find most interesting is that he completely accepts his fate, and the fate of others. he is a very apathetic character who never once challenges the restrictions of time- I feel most people would at least attempt to warn somebody of their impending death, but he never does. he has no burst of emotion throughout the entire book until towards the end, after the bombing of Dresden when he sees two horses they've been using for locomotion, and he realizes the terrible shape they're in- bleeding hooves, gums, ect. he cries. the only time it mentions him crying. he doesn't cry when his wife dies, when he is bullied while in the war by a peer soldier, he doesn't cry in the wake of the immense destruction of Dresden when 25000 people- mostly women and children- lost their lives. I suppose the story is supposed to be taken as tongue-in-cheek. which is fine if you can find humor in it- I won't judge- but it was not exactly my cup of tea. but it is interesting to analyze. which for those of who know me, know I thoroughly enjoy. :)

52// Week #2

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ya'll, I finally made it to ikea. I know it's kinda lame it was on my bucket list, but well, now I can check it off. It was awesome. and huge. I bought a lamp and some super cute wwoodland animal cookie cutters. I needed the lamp. The cookie cutters were on a whim. they had a hedgehog. I'm sorta obessed. you already know this if you follow me on pinterest. they're just so dang cute. when I get settled somewhere in a few years, I am planning on getting one. that's also on my bucket list. ok maybe I do have a lame bucket list. I also want to visit Ireland, Scotland and Wales. Does that make it more exciting? Top photo curtesy of Kattyrae

To live
simply,
full of fervor,
and purposeful,
sounds quite
well
to say.
But how
does one
live simply,
full of fervor,
and purposeful;
with each day
in it's own
monotony,
blurring together?

I am
learning
the rhythms
are still
beautiful
because I help
write them.